Love Chronicles

I've finally decided to expose the inner workings of my much mundane mind when it comes to love, relationships and all that sort. Uncharacteristic, sure. Makes me feel vulnerable, of course. Maybe I should just skip this terrible idea altogether and hide behind my comfortable gadget-frenzied cushion post, why not.

Better get this over with before I change my mind.

I've never been in love, never remotely liked anyone in a "special" sense, and never felt the need to allude to a relationship. I have, however, nurtured the idea of a pseudo-relationship in the hopes of opening my horizons and hopefully, making epiphanies along the way that would make the notion of being in a relationship that much more feasible.

Never acted upon it, however.

There were times though, when I forged friendships with the opposite sex and had gotten on very friendly terms with them, and considered a relationship because I know there'd be up for it. But then, reality kicked in when Peter, my imaginary Flying Unicorn Friend would advise me against it because deep down, I know enough about myself to acknowledge even in that phase that I would never fall in love with them. Peter said it, so it must be true. Also, Peter said to stop smoking weed.

In the course of growing up, or what I thought was my journey towards adulthood, I've made and severed several friendships. Mostly because I got bored. I have to admit when a guy shows interest, I would assume a personality that's not mine, where I would hide all judgments and criticisms and pretend that everything they do makes them cool and unique.

Men says women are easy, just shower them with expensive things. Well, you know what? Guys are easy too - Just feed their ego.

There would then be constant texts, occasional calls and one or two outings as "friends" which, to the casual observer, would seem like a relationship that's headed somewhere "special". This is the last time that I quote "special", I promise. In the end, after few weeks, or two months being my longest run, I would disappear once I've seen him in every angle I can imagine and make a deduction as to the sort of person he is. He has lost the allure of being a "stranger", I can guess his behaviour and jokes, and since I had always emphasised the "as friends" part, there would always be an almost clean break. "Almost clean" because sometimes I get angry texts or voice mails about my abrupt change of heart, but I know that it would last a few days before he moves on to his next female target.

I never start a friendship with the intention of doing the above, but that's how it always ends up. There's never been that one person that made me go "You know what, I can see myself with this guy in the long run" before running up the mountain made of marshmallow with Peter that's traipsing along with virgin pixies by his side. I did rationalise once that, maybe it's because the friendship lasted for such a short duration and there was never enough time to truly assess my feelings about the relationship. I tell you what, if you're bored with a person, spending another week would be torture. Another month would be a trip to the store for some razorblades, noose, guidebooks on tying a noose and Gummi Bears for Peter who explained that Unicorns are almost extinct because they can't exactly just waltz in a store to buy Gummi Bears which are like, their only source of sustenance.

I've never, ever felt affection towards a boy. At most it's a sense of strong connection from shared interests or ideas. And that worries me. I've entertained the idea of being a Lesbian, and was almost convinced I was indeed one, but that's the problem with our generation. We only think we're something else because we need a label and we've got infinite access to the most tired source of information - the internet. Suddenly everyone's self-diagnosed with OCD, ADD, BPD, and the list goes on. I don't know what I am. Straight, bisexual, gay, asexual, I'm not sure but it would admittedly be awesome to put a label on it.

I'm twenty-two now, and if you asked me a year earlier, I would have a fuck-all attitude about relationships but as they say, things change and people change. In my case, I need to change because what I am is not normal. When I say "not normal", I don't mean in a cool, stand out in a crowd and having my own identity sort of thing, but in a literal, psychological and physiological "not normal". The bad sort of "not normal".

And no, not all my friendship with guys were based on the premise of testing the waters, I do have several male friends whom I knew from the beginning that I would never have a romantic relationship with, but a long and reciprocal friendship with. You tend to know when guys want to be just friends or more than that since they don't waffle about as much as girls.

I'm waiting for a guy to, as they say, blow my mind but I'm not holding my breath. Under that unrealistic and fantasy-like expectation, I'm going to end my post with an appropriate;

Signed,

Forever Alone.